On Grace, Frustration, and Getting to Know People
Over the past few months, I’ve noticed that I get frustrated more frequently and more easily at work. I don’t always show it, but inside, I find myself reacting more emotionally to decisions I don’t agree with. And it is exhausting.
So what helps?
Getting to know people. Actually talking to them.
It sounds obvious when I write it down, but it’s the single most reliable thing that gets me back into a good headspace. Book a coffee chat. Pair on something technical. Hop on a quick call. Every time I do this, I walk away feeling more connected, more grounded. It becomes easier to give people grace when I’m reminded they’re not just Slack messages or PR comments—they’re humans, trying their best, just like I am.
Recently, I was promoted to Lead Software Engineer. In the lead-up, I had already started taking on more responsibilities—more technical leadership, more shaping direction, more unblocking people, more being in the loop.
One downside of taking on more responsibilities is being exposed to a lot more decisions and tradeoffs than before.
And some of those decisions are stupid. Some of the decisions made in the past are stupid. Some of the decisions happening right now are stupid. Some of the decisions I make are probably stupid too—more than I realize.
This isn’t a ‘they made me mad’ problem—it’s a me problem.
When I catch myself thinking this is so obviously dumb, I try to pause and remind myself: I probably don’t know the full context. I don’t know the constraints. The tradeoffs. The politics. The pressure. Something that looks wrong from the outside might have been the best possible option at the time—or at least the least bad one. And maybe I’m the one missing something.
Still, I get annoyed sometimes.
I know I shouldn’t. But I’m human. I’m an emotional person. I care a lot. I have strong opinions, and I feel things deeply—probably more than I let on most of the time. I have knee-jerk reactions. Most of the time, I’ve learned to keep those feelings to myself. But when I go too long without opening up, it’s like something builds up inside me. I start overanalyzing, getting defensive, falling into this “everyone is messing things up” mindset.
What I want to explore here isn’t just that these reactions happen—but how I deal with them. Because this isn’t really about them—it’s a me issue. It’s about how I respond. How I stay grounded and connected instead of sliding into judgment and resentment.
A couple things that help me reset
First, the obvious one: get to know people. Actually talk to them.
Set up a coffee chat. Pair on a problem. Reply in a thread with curiosity instead of critique. When I do this, I feel more connected. I walk away with more empathy. My view softens. Suddenly, the person I was frustrated with becomes a full human again. It’s easier to give grace when I remember we’re all just doing our best. I remember that the person I was frustrated with is smart, thoughtful, and navigating a bunch of stuff I probably don’t see. I stop imagining a villain out to ruin my day and start seeing a teammate trying to do the right thing from their seat.
This feels especially important in a fully remote setup. Most of my coworkers are in other cities, other countries, or also fully remote like me. We don’t have the casual, in-person interactions that help build trust over time. If we were in the same office, we’d probably chat at lunch or pass each other in the hallway. But remote requires effort. Intentionality. You have to manufacture those moments on purpose. And honestly, that’s work.
But it’s not just a remote problem—it’s a modern work reality. Even with an office, we’d still be distributed. There’s no single space that would magically solve the disconnect. The challenge is baked into how we work today.
There’s no silver bullet—just reaching out and talking to people. Building relationships the old-fashioned way, even if it happens over Zoom and Slack.
Another thing that helps me: being vulnerable.
I feel things deeply, and I care a lot about getting things right. But sometimes that turns into tension and guardedness. I start to feel disconnected, overly critical, brittle. When I feel frustrated or misunderstood, my default is to double down and shield up. But I’ve learned that doesn’t serve me well.
So I try to be honest. Being vulnerable—sharing when I don’t know something, admitting when I’m overwhelmed, asking for feedback, talking about things I’m unsure of—has been one of the best ways to defuse those reactions.
It’s not easy. It feels risky. But it also opens the door for others to be vulnerable too. It shifts the dynamic. It makes it easier to trust each other. It reminds me that we’re all working through our own stuff. Everyone’s just trying to do a good job.
Sometimes I’ll see a public message that rubs me the wrong way. My gut reaction is to judge. But when I step back, I realize—I’m not great at this stuff either. I’ve written plenty of messages that didn’t land well. I’ve definitely made things worse by reacting too quickly.
This stuff is hard. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But I’m working on it.
Lastly, focus on what’s mine.
Not every decision is mine to make. And that’s okay.
Part of this role—part of growing into leadership—is learning to hold that tension. There will be decisions I disagree with. Things I would’ve done differently. But sometimes the best path forward is to support the decision, even if I wouldn’t have chosen it myself.
That doesn’t mean I stop caring. It just means I stay grounded in what’s actually mine to influence. What’s mine to own. What’s mine to improve.
And when something is mine? I try to own it fully. Mistakes and all.
All of this is still a work in progress. I still get annoyed. I still slip into frustration and blame. But I’m trying to be better—trying to give more grace, talk to people more, and assume less as I keep growing. I’m trying to get better at noticing when frustration shows up and finding my way back to empathy, back to connection, and back to grace.
And if you’ve ever felt the same—maybe this helps you too.